Dear May,

 Dear May,

You have been so good to me. I wrote in a blog post beginning of this year,

You don't just move on from your problems no matter how you want to. That is why I am afraid to make new year resolutions. Do we really stick to those? Having said that, I look back at the past two months and realized I've been subconsciously making changes to better myself, and I'd like to give myself credit for that...It's time I stop undermining myself and begin to truly live in the moment. To own less and to do more. To live, not regret. To love myself and be selfish if I needed to. To accept criticism but not broken. To see the world without losing myself. Easier said than done, but I am only human.

My confidence in new year resolutions is bleak but I believe in taking chances. One open door leads to another. It doesn't matter if I don't know where I'm going as long as I keep on going. What a cringe-worthy statement. Ew. But cliches are real.

Nigel went to Kenya for five weeks for his school's overseas community immersion programme. It's never easy being separated from a loved one by distance and time, even if five weeks seem so insignificant compared to a lifetime. But I am so lucky to be able to communicate with him every night because reading his text messages about his day makes me smile. This May, I was shown to a different side of love, a foreign concept that only a yearning heart could grasp. I am so lucky.

School is officially out. What a surreal moment having to be in the education system for more than 16 years. It's a long time, end of a chapter, but I feel like my life has just begun. Maybe it's pure foolishness of youth to think a working life would kill the soul, yet the 22-going-23-year-old self feels optimistic about my future. My friend Kaixin once told me, "you go to school to learn how to learn". May this attitude endure the rest of my adulthood.

Lastly, I spoke at a conference for the first time in my life. I promised to give myself due credit for the littlest milestones and I will today. I am very proud of myself. The past month has been surreal in every way. Expressing my thoughts on stage was cool, but receiving genuine feedback from people was a gift. We all need feedback, good or bad because that is how we grow. I am filled with so much gratitude.

Wow, what a difference a few months could make. Looking back, life is amazing and it's worth living. I wish I knew that in my teens.

Thank you, May. I want to always remember you.

The End

Grandfather's things: 1. Collection of tools 2. A computer grandfather used to Skype with us 3. Bed 
4. Plant 5. Island with a bulb 6. Table lamp 7—9. A ship grandfather made from scratch

How could you cry for me?

Cause I don't feel bad about it

So shut your eyes 

Kiss me goodbye

And sleep

Just sleep

The End.

My grandfather passed away last week. He was 84 years old, at his home in Shanghai.

I vaguely remember that my mother broke the news through a simple and straightforward text message. I was in the middle of a fashion show. It was sudden news, communicated through a medium of zero human interaction. I wasn't sure how to react, and there was nothing I could do because my grandfather resided overseas. I simply read, then ignored the text message until I felt like I was ready to reply an "okay".

Death is funny. Movies and social conventions taught me I'm supposed to react to death in a certain way, because death is a bad thing. However, the reality for me was that nothing changed. The world looked the same, and people are on the go. Businesses continue to operate, and my life goes on. Living away from my grandfather meant that there was no real "change" that I could see and feel. It's morbid that way, but it's the truth.

But again, how will things ever be the same? The next time I'm back in Shanghai, my grandfather is no longer around. My family has been living away from our Shanghai relatives for the past 14 years. We go back occasionally to visit. Maybe due to his already old age by the time I was able to remember, I don't remember him looking different that much. And because of that, his death never crossed my mind. It's difficult to picture death when you don't see visual evidence of deterioration.

My grandfather had diabetes but it was under control by diet, exercise, and medications. He was very active for his age and preferred to walk to grocery stores and clinics over taking the bus. He was a traditional and disciplined man who followed a good sleeping schedule.

But it was time for him to go.

My grandfather, the father to my mom, was an important family member who held me through my first steps, who watched over me when my mom was overwhelmed with two toddlers, taught me spelling in kindergarten, constantly sparked my curiosity and was someone who showed me nobody is ever really too old to learn.

He was a physics professor and had an eccentric range of hobbies, from making ship models from scratch to old school radios and construction work. He was a genius of his generation, having coached many top students in China and had his creations exhibited in galleries. He never stopped creating.

When I arrived at my grandfather's funeral in Shanghai, I finally felt death. Grandfather had died. One look at the guests and you will feel the loss. And then there was my grandfather in the casket, surrounded by fresh flowers, wearing his old-fashioned gold square spectacles he had been wearing since forever. My grandfather looked exactly the same I remembered him to be, but he will never wake up again. It was an incredibly difficult thought to swallow.

Why is it so hard to let someone go even though we have been equipped with the knowledge? I can come up with a list of reasons why it is okay, but there's no denying a void that was carved in my heart.

"Once you leave the house, you'll remember him just the way as you have always remembered him. It's all outside that door." — Mad Men

Originally written and unpublished in June 2015.

Sakura

Mood:

Yes I'm changing, yes I'm gone

Yes I'm older, yes I'm moving on

And if you don't think it's a crime you can come along, with me

Life is moving, can't you see

They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they do

Yes I'm changing, can't stop it now

And even if I wanted I wouldn't know how

Another version of myself I think I found, at last

There's a world out there and it's calling my name

And it's calling yours, girl it's calling yours too

How many times have you heard Singaporeans say, "if only Singapore wasn't so hot, it'll be perfect"? If perfect existed, I think the Flower Dome at Gardens by The Bay comes close. The odd-shaped glass dome, which might be mistaken as a really sophisticated green house, offers the comfort of the A.C. so you could be 'outdoorsy' (how ironic) without actually getting a heatstroke. 

Nigel and I recently went to see the temporary Sakura displays at the Flower Dome. It was quite an experince for me as it was the very first time I saw cherry blossoms in real life. It's fascinating how the 'Sakura' is just so overused – mainly in marketing – I mean, I've prolly tried 'Sakura' flavoured snacks prior to seeing the actual plant. 

When I finally saw them, wow, I get it. I see why it's a big deal. Besides the species being a rarity and exclusive seasonally, I saw hope, life, and beauty. I was mesmerized. I'm not saying Sakura is the most beautiful flower, but it's been a long time since I last admired a flower in detail. I am so caught up with technology and work everyday that the most natural things in life has become foreign. Diversity, faith, beauty  balance and perfection — all these a natural occurence of life, yet, these are the things we human beings try to hard to pursue. Or have we become blind to God's creations?

I'm wearing Sweet Drug top, Pull & Bear denim jeggings and YSL lip tint in no. 2.

Laneway Festival 2016

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Among the many things I plan to do this new year, one of them was to try my hands at YouTube. I'm a huge fan of YouTube. I've learnt how to do makeup, solve Excel problems, discovered The Sims 3 cheats, 'travelled' around the world and more just watching people on my computer screen. I decided that it's time I do something too, starting with a vlog at Laneway Festival just last month. The Meadow at Gardens By The Bay was a perfect scenic spot for the occassion. Me and my pals enjoyed ourselves and we were lucky to catch our favourite acts including Grimes, Chvrches, Purity Ring and more. 

I hope you enjoy the video and if you do, give me a like and subscribe to my channel ULIMALI. I look forward to your thoughts (please, anything!), stuff you wish you see, and making more videos like this in the future.

I'm wearing PAPP UP paper sunglasses, Taobao top, Feiyue sneakers, and Uniqlo x Hana Tajima Hijab.

Day At Google Singapore

Slip camisole dress - H&M

Turtle neck tee - Uniqlo

Lace up flats - Taobao

Last Saturday, I attended a workshop on content marketing because I felt like I needed the knowledge for my future career. It was not just any workshop, but one held in Google Singapore's office! Much thanks to Orange Hive, the workshop organizers who scored such an awesome location. 

Now let's proceed to my main point; isn't everyone curious to see how a Google office looks like? Well I hope these visuals put some burning questions to rest. I was only allowed to explore a small part of the office but wow, it's no surprise why so many people would want to work for the world's most coveted tech company. A colourful theme runs throughout the space which is reminiscent of a children's playground.

Google sure has its way with humour, such as localized meeting room titles. Mine was named Alamak. Can't help imagining boss saying, "meeting at Buay Tahan room at 4pm later, please bring your brains". Around the corner of the pantry was a line of mini meeting rooms named "The Google Orient Express", each cabin complete with a 'window' which is in fact just scenery posters.

The green swirly chair was the best thing! It's incredibly ergonomic and fun, making you want to stay on your seat. Compared to the shitty plastic chairs in school, these green objects were heaven. With wheels attached at the base, I felt like I was driving a vehicle. Too cool.

Photo 5 credit: The Orange Hive Community

Tracing Time

"Conceptually, keeping my hair is like tracing time. I began keeping it ever since I fell in love. If you see me bald one day, you'd know that it's all over."

Never thought about hair that way. It might have been the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Bernice & Leroy

When Leroy and Bernice asked me to produce a photo series of them together, of course I'd say yes. I have known the pair close to a decade, and which they have been dating for five..six years. See, I've lost count. I rarely get to go behind the lens for purposes beyond school and work, so like an amateur holding a sophisticated DSLR for the first time, I was brimming with ideas on how to photograph my friends. Creative freedom feels great. I dislike overly romanticised photographs. Romance is boring but enduring, it is genuine, not something you create out of bouquets and flower crowns. Not only they take too much effort, I think often the couple ends up so worried about the photos such that it's no longer fun. Besides, I should mention that this is not even close to an engagement shoot << disclaimer here. Pasarbella is a fun indoor place for unconventional pictures. Not many people have photographed there yet. Its out-of-town location feels like an adventure and the vibe was great too. Just be subtle about it because it's likely the manager will question you. There's a fine line between Instagram and commercial shoot so be calm should you get into trouble.

Pasarbella and Riders' Cafe are geographically close yet annoyingly inaccessible. A car will make this mini road trip a breeze. While I really preferred an outdoor environment, I hate to break the news to you that the cafe's famous botak tree is now claimed private property a.k.a. no access. No wonder everyone's found an alternative at Punggol. Oh what a big fat disappointment. More beautiful things are becoming exclusive everyday, God knows when you're no longer allowed to photograph a street lamp. Hence, we settled for the open road and it turned out not as bad as I'd imagined.

Featuring: Bernice Leong and Leroy Lim

Photography: me